"Hail! Hail The Hero Harp!" Sings The Bulletproof Harpist


Bulletproof playing a brown harp.Marvin Sebastian Erard – professional harpist, owner of Empire Harps, and former volunteer police officer for the Salt Lake City Police Department turned independent freelance policeman and firefighter. Sent to Empire City to provide additional security for The Bank of the People, the newest, yet third largest bank in all of Empire City, located across the street from Empire Harps, a harp retailer he operates as part of his undercover security operation. Both a highly skilled harpist and professional archer who bears a prized bow he uses to flawlessly pin a crook to the wall or the floor by their clothing. He never misses his target – not even once. But it was LadyHarp who saved the day and foiled another criminal caper put on by the Big Boss.
After handing Berserko over to Marvin and his sons to be carted off to prison, Bulletproof went forward to process his harp.
Bulletproof: *hugging and stroking his harp* “I always wanted to play the harp ever since I was a little boy growing up in Washington DC where my Aunt Candace used to own a harp like LadyHarp. She always let me play her harp every time I came over with my parents to visit her. It was real fun playing the harp. Especially when Candace taught me how to play a lot of songs on the harp including Row, Row, Row Your Boat, The Wheels on the Bus, Baa, Baa Black Sheep, and so much more.
But then one fateful night, due to an electric short, a fire broke out in the house. Sadly, Candace never made it out of there. She died while sleeping in her bedroom, never knowing about the fire. My Uncle Winston was working the night shift as an FBI security guard when he heard about the fire and what happened to Candace. He immediately called my parents who then woke me up to tell me the bad news. I was very sad. I was more sadder when I learned that the harp I enjoyed playing upon went up in a great big huge puff of smoke along with Candace and her house. Winston and my parents were just as sad as I was. All throughout the funeral, we couldn’t stop crying. Winston, my mom and dad, and I all mourned Candace’s death. I was crying more for the harp than my aunt because the harp was such a beautiful instrument. Its sound was so, so sweet. I just couldn’t help remembering how the harp sounded, how the strings ‘danced’ when I touched them, how the music filled my ears and thrilled my soul. I spent the next few weeks feeling sad and depressed, knowing I’ll never see my wonderful aunt and play her harp again. Sometimes I begged my parents to buy me a harp just like Candace’s harp, but unfortunately, they couldn’t afford one.
I was miserable at least until Winston came rushing through the door one day. I just got home from school and was raiding the fridge for a snack when Winston came in to ask if I was home from school and if he can see me for awhile. I came from the kitchen with an apple in my hand to greet Winston, who took me by the hand, look at me in the face, and, with a great big smile, told me that he had just sign me up to do harp lessons with an off duty policeman who is also a great harp teacher who agreed to let me rent one of his harps to play on. And boy, did my face light up brighter than a Christmas tree! I was overjoyed, ecstatic! I had to thank him by hugging him real tight before following him to his car and ride on over to see the officer, play one of his harps I choose to rent, and do lessons with him for the very first time.
Life, from then on, became much better and much happier for me. I grew up being around the best law enforcers the world has ever seen. Although I’m a big, huge fan of the harp, my first love was becoming a law enforcer just like my mother. My dad told me I inherited mom’s FBI blood and perfected it! After all, I helped mom, who was a federal agent just like I am now, and the FBI solve cases that were otherwise impossible many times. It was this talented gift I inherited from mom that lead me to become the best federal agent ever and, subsequently, the founder and leader of C.O.P.S. who is now and forever, *smooches LadyHarp* The Bulletproof Harpist!”
Hardtop: “You most certainly are, chief.”
Bulletproof: “Mainframe. Hardtop. Longarm.”
Mainframe: “We’ve heard about what happened and came over to see for ourselves.”
LongArm: “So this is the harp you’re gonna make music on, right BP?”
Bulletproof: “That’s right, LongArm. This is LadyHarp, the Official Mascot of C.O.P.S.”
Mainframe: “What a gorgeous instrument you have there, BP! And look! I’ve never seen a harp adorned with a shiny C.O.P.S. badge before. Neat-o!”
Hardtop: “Your folks would be cheering you in the winner’s circle right now if they were here to see you triumph over crime and playing your awesome new harp, BP.”
Just then a large door being slammed shut is heard.
LongArm: *startled* “What’s that?”
Mainframe: “A door slamming shut on an incredible vehicle you two have just got to see to believe. Come on.”
LongArm, Hardtop, and Mainframe immediately raced forward to see and gasp at the huge harp-shaped police vehicle ready to haul another criminal up to the big house prison that is.
Hardtop: “Holy octane!!”
LongArm: “Now that’s what I call a heavenly harp!”
Marvin: “I’ll say. This, what you’re looking at, is the most state-of-the-art, harp-shaped paddywagon in the world, now comes with a crook destined for the big house! Ok, boys. Take ’em away.”
Carl and Healy: “Yes, sir.”
With that, Healy and Carl climb up the ladder and into the vehicle cockpit where they rev up the impressive harp shaped police vehicle and took off to bring Berserko straight to prison.
Marvin: “Well, that’s that. No more criminals making trouble on the streets. Say, you guys must be Officers LongArm, Hardtop, and Mainframe of the C.O.P.S.”
LongArm: “You bet we are. And you’re..”
Marvin: “Marvin. Marvin Sebastian Erard. *shakes LongArm, Hardtop, and Mainframe’s hand* Former volunteer police officer for the Salt Lake City Police Department turned Freelance police officer and firefighter. My sons, Carl and Healy, and I were sent to Empire City to provide security for this US federal bank located across the street from Empire Harps, a business where I manage as part of my undercover operation.”
Mainframe: “Were you the one who thwarted the first bank robbery attempt made here just a short while back?”
Marvin: “I sure was. My sons and I took our talents in archery to the bank and deposit them onto a band of crazy Roman-style bozos the moment the bank’s security alarm went off.”
LongArm: “Cool! Could you tell us about it, sir?”
Marvin: “Well, my sons, Carl and Healy and I were getting ready to open up our store for the first time when suddenly we–”
There was a pause in Marvin’s story. A harp has just started playing in the background.
Marvin: “Hark! Listen *putting his hand behind his earlobe* I hear a harp.”
Hardtop: “A harp?”
Marvin: “Yes. A harp. A very special crime fighting harp being played by a very special crime fighter. Look.”
LongArm, Hardtop, and Mainframe turns to see a harp, a very special harp being played by none other than The Bulletproof Harpist himself, who with the sweetest voice and the gracefulness of his hands, plays this triumphant song Hail! Hail The Hero Harp! that cause news reporter Whitney Morgan, every bystander, and C.O.P.S. officer to pause, watch, listen, and be delightfully enthralled by the magnificent splendor and the heavenly music of Empire City’s greatest COP, Federal Agent Baldwin P. Vess. Codename: Bulletproof and his harp, LadyHarp, The Official Mascot of C.O.P.S.
Bulletproof: *singing*
“Law and order does she restore!
From place to place, From street to street.
From the skylines to the dark allies,
Her heroic deeds just can’t be beat.
Hail! Hail the hero harp!
She stands tall, She stands proud!
You just can’t help but adore her
Cuz’ she’s way above the crowd!
She doesn’t need no handcuffs,
to arrest a crooked scum.
All she needs is a row of strings
and a cop who can pluck and strum!
Hail! Hail the hero harp!
She stands tall, She stands strong!
You just can’t help but thanking her
for enjoying this wonderful song!
Justice is her mission; A brave harp is she.
She serves and protects day and night,
Ladyharp easily swoons a thief
and sings to him his Miranda Rights.
Then it’s off to prison he goes
To serve years of breaking stone
to the tune of this little chorus
sung not in a bad baritone!
Hail! Hail the hero harp!
She stands brave and fearlessly tall!
You just can’t help but honor her
For being the greatest harp of all!
Hail! Hail the hero harp!
She stands brave and fearlessly tall!
You just can’t help but honor her
For being the greatest harp of all!
*a rolling glissando accompanies the last line* For beeeiiiiiing the greatest harp of aaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllll!!!”
Right after the song ended with a big rolling chord, the crowd erupts with a massive applause.
And both Bulletproof and LadyHarp graciously took a bow.
Meanwhile, back at the penthouse, an unhappy boss loudly rants just after BadVibes appears through his teleportation device to tell him about Berserko’s latest blunder and how he destroyed the Stradivarius violin.

Mrs. Babel, Big Boss' Big Momma.

Mrs. Babel, Big Boss’ Big Momma.

“WHAM!!” slams Big Boss’ iron fist on the desk
Scratch: *jumps* “REOOWWWW!!” *lands on Squeeky’s head*
Badvibes: “P-P-Please Big Boss. Don’t blame me! I’m sure there’s another violin out there for you to play like what Berserko has wrecked.”
Big Boss: “(mahhh) That fiddle was worth more than all the wealth I have stashed away in my personal vault! (mahhhh) And Berserko, that butter brain so-‘n-so, had to ruin it all FOR ME!! *covering his face with his hands* (maaaaaahhhhhh) What else can go wrong today!?”
Penthouse phone rings.
BadVibes: “(gulp) You should’ve never said that, Big Boss?”
Big Boss: *grabs the receiver* (maahh) WHATD’YA WANT, YA OL’ SORRY SAPHEADED DUNDERHEADED DORK!?
Big Momma: BRANDON BABEL!!!!
Big Boss: “GASP! MOMMA!”
Big Momma: “Is that the way to talk to your mother like that!?”
Big Boss: *ashamed* “Aw no, Momma. No. Not at all. Oh I’m very sorry, Momma. Forgive me. I’m having a real bad day today at work and things are not going the way it supposed to be.
Big Momma: “Maybe this will cheer you up, son. I’ve just signed you up to take piano lessons once more.”
Big Boss: “What?”
Big Momma: “You heard me, young man. I signed you for a year’s worth of piano lessons which will begin today.”
Big Boss: “Aw Momma? I hate piano lessons.”
Big Momma: “Now. Now. You should always brush up on your music skills, darling, and make your momma proud to have a son who knows how to carry a tune as well as carry on a big prosperous business like yours. Now finish what you’re doing and come to my place for your first piano lesson in many years.”
Big Boss: “Do I have to?”
Big Momma: “Yes, you do.”
Big Boss: “But Momma–?”
Big Momma: “No ‘buts!’ You either go plink, plink, plink on the ivory keys like a good boy or *shows off a large paddle board to Big Boss who gasp at the sight of it* I go paddle, paddle, paddle with this large board I purchased from the kitchen outlet store. Now stop stalling and come for your lessons this instant!”
Big Boss: “Y-Yes, Momma.”
Getting up, Big Boss walks slowly to the doors.
Big Boss: “Keep an eye on the penthouse for me will ya, Squeeky?”
Squeeky: “Sure thing, Boss.”
BadVibes: “Break a leg, sir.”
Big Boss: *muttering* “I’ll break more than legs when I get my hands on that pea brained nincom–”
Big Momma: *wielding the large paddle* “Brandon!”
Big Boss: *running through the doors* “Coming, Momma!”
LadyHarp and I became inseparable musical companions, filling my off duty days with sounds of music, joy, and laughter. LadyHarp became the Official Mascot of C.O.P.S. and an absolute favorite among the C.O.P.S. unit. Empire Harps became one of the best 5-star rated music stores in all of Empire City and The Bank of the People became the only bank in the city crooks think twice before robbing. The owner of the Melody Tunes Music Store was informed about the fate of the violin, which surprisingly turned out to be a replica of the real $15,000,000 violin currently on display at The Museum of Performing Arts in Venice, Italy. Berserko, Ms Demeanor, Rock Krusher and the rest of the gang faced the music of the gavel and were given a huge sour note in form of a jail sentence.
C.O.P.S File: #86022
The Case of The Fiddlin’ Fool
Case Closed.


Sherry Konkus

Sherry Konkus lives in Owosso, MI. She is the proud owner of the Camac Athena EX Concert Grand Harp named "Grover" and Camac Mademoiselle named "Ernie." She's also the proud author of The Punisher Harp Zone. Sherry is the one who came up with the idea of portraying The Punisher from Marvel Comics as the punishing harpist who plays the harp in memory of his family who was killed by the mob years ago.