C.O.P.S. Kidnapped by Caesar


Bullseye, Bulletproof, and Mace.

Bullseye, Bulletproof, and Mace.

It didn’t take long for LongArm and Mace to get there and find a strange vehicle parked in front of the store right before their very eyes.
LongArm: “Whoa. I’ve never seen a vehicle like that before.”
Mace: “Me neither.”
LongArm: “Very impressive. That reminds me of all those classic Roman flicks my son Brian and I would watch on TV sometimes. The best ones we’ve seen were Quo Vadis, Spartacus, Ben Hur, and especially Julius Caesar with all sorts of elaborate palaces the Roman emperors used to live in and the magnificent temples where the Romans go to worship their gods. But none of the palaces and temples I’ve seen had a large cannon sticking out of the dome and tank-style wheels underneath like this marble monstrosity has. ”
Mace: “I wonder what’s it doing here?”
Suddenly, a bunch of crazy lunatics dressed as Roman Soldiers came busting out of The Double Edge store armed with bows, arrows, and spears that they heisted from the store.
LongArm: “There’s your answer, Mace.”
Mace: “Let’s get out there and bust some heads!”
LongArm: “No, Mace! They’ll impale us with those sharp spears!”
LongArm: “Hey!”
Mace: “What th?”
An electro magnet came out from the side of the palace tank and pull the car straight up in the air with the 2 C.O.P.S. inside it.
Berserko: “Great Caesar! Look who’s-a laidin’ siege on my palace-icus!”
LongArm and Mace: “BERSERKO!”
Berserko: “I’m not Berserko anymore. I’m the Great Caligula, Emperor of all who he surveys!”
Henchmen: “HAIL CAESAR!!”
Mace: *muttering* “Oh, brother..”
Berserko: “Friends! Romans! Country men! Lend me yer ears as I speaketh about our main goal. The goal of replenishin’ our stolen treasury with riches taketh from the newest city bank and the replacement of the strings of this here fiddle, which the bow will maketh it sing again once the strings are retrieved!”
LongArm: “And Quo do you think you’ll get the strings you need for the fiddle, Oh, great Caesar, sir?”
Berserko: “Glad et asked, copper! *giggles* The strings to replace the strings on the fiddle here will come from nowhere else, but Empire-icus Harp-icus.”
LongArm and Mace: “Empire Harps?!”
Mace: “You gotta be kiddin’ me. That’s the place where only harps are sold.”
Berserko: “That’s right. And the harps, as you coppers know, have strings on them perfect for the violin!”
LongArm: “Berserk– oh, I mean Caesar, do you realize that harp strings won’t work on violins?”
Berserko: “So what? A string is a string and a fiddle is a fiddle. What difference does this make as long as I get the screech box fixed and get it handed over to my Uncle Big Boss so he can play it to his heart’s content?”
Mace: “Well I got news for you, pal! He ain’t gonna play that thing ‘cuz it’s neither his nor yours to begin with, salad head!”
Berserko: “Oooo! How dare ya insult the Great Caesar of Empire City, the one no one’s gonna hindereth from holdeth up the store and bank! And for that you will be punished!” *pulls the lever to turn off the magnet*
Mace and LongArm: *falling from the magnet* “WHOOOOA!!” *lands on the ground* “OOOF!!”
Berserko: “Guards! Seize them! Bring them inside the palace to be taken to a proper place of punishment for these flatfoots who insulted me.”
Mace and LongArm: *being forced out of the car* “Hey! – Ow! – Ouch! – Ooo! – Watch where you pokin’ those things!”
The next thing LongArm and Mace knew, they were taken at spear point inside the “palace,” which is nothing more than a large army style tank where they were bound, gagged, and strapped to 2 chairs by the guards who then stood guard over the prisoners at spear point while the “emperor” drives them to the “Colosseum” (the circus hideout) and threw them into the arena, where right in front of the 2 C.O.P.S. are 2 cages each filled with a pair of dangerous roaring, snarling, robot teddy bears.
LongArm: “You’ll never gonna get away with this, Berserko!”
Berserko: “That’s what you think, flatfoot-a-cus. O’ give ear to the words of the great emperor of Empire City! Behold. Two lovable Teddy Bears. Awwww, ain’t they cute? Don’t ya think these two little teddies are cuddly, lovable, and docile, C.O.P.S.?
LongArm and Mace: “NO! That won’t do at all”
Berserko: “Tu bad. None of them’s gonna save you from the Boogy man. Cuz’ once these cages are opened, my sweet teddies’ are gonna come out, charge at you, and hee hee hee give you a great, big, bone-crushin’ hug!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!”
With that Berserko lowers the lever that opens up the cages, allowing the bears to escape and chase the 2 C.O.P.S. all over the arena.
Teddy Bears: “ROAR!”
Mace and LongArm: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
LongArm: “RUN, MACE!!”
And off they go with the bears following not far behind.
LongArm: “Faster, Mace! They’re gaining on us!!”
Mace: “Hee Hee Nice teddies Nice teddies.. heh heh heh.”
Bears: “Roar!”
Mace: “Yeow!! My Uniform!”
Berserko: “Awwwwww The poor Cop just got a scratchy boo boo. Want me to kiss it and make it better? Oops! Nope, I can’t or else I’ll get a case of the grizzly hives. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!”
Lumpy: “Your excellency, the tank is ready for conquest.”
Berserko: “Good! Let us go forth and make ourselves richer and pull out a few strings in the name of Biggus Bossus, The God of Crime! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! So long, coppers!”
With that, Berserko and his loony henchmen leaves the 2 C.O.P.S. at the mercy of the robot teddy bears, mount up on the palace tank, and head off to the bank and Empire Harps, unaware of the bank being heavily guarded by the music store’s proprietor who’s actually a freelance law enforcer from Utah, whose bow and arrow never misses its mark.
As the crooks leave, LongArm, tired of running from those nasty teddies, stops to hide behind a thick circus tent pole, hoping to not be seen.
LongArm: *panting* “One.. *pant* ..chance. Got to.. *pant* ..activate the.. *pant* ..distress signal on my *pant* ..com link to”
Suddenly, “Swipe!” goes a bear paw, knocking the com link out of LongArm’s hand.
LongArm: “Hey! My com link! *realizing he’s face to face with a robot teddy bear* Gulp! Uhh, nice fur you got there, big fella…”
While distracted, LongArm is unaware that the com link instantly sets off a distress signal the moment it hit the ground, making a bee line straight to C.O.P.S. headquarters where Bulletproof waits in anticipation for Empire Harps’ Grand Opening.
Barricade: “Pretty excited about the grand opening, huh sir. ”
Bulletproof: “You bet. It’s 12:30 right now. It won’t be long before Empire harps will open and I can see what kind of harps I’ll try myself on.”
Bowser: “Are you going to play the harp, sir?”
Bulletproof: “You betcha.”
Mainframe: “Wow! That’s neat!”
Barricade: “Those things are totally gorgeous to hear. Think you have what it takes to play one, sir?”
Bulletproof: “I do. The very moment I saw an ad in the paper about Empire Harps two weeks ago, I knew I wanted to play the harp again. As a matter of fact, when I was a little boy, my Aunt Candace used to own a harp which she allowed me to play music on every time my parents and I come over to her house to visit every weekend. I had a ball making music on the harp. Candace, who was a great music teacher, taught me how to play many wonderful songs on the harp such as Mary Had a Little Lamb, Happy Birthday, Old McDonald Had a Farm, and..”
Suddenly, a distress signal goes off.
Mainframe: “A distress signal coming from LongArm and Mace. They’re in trouble!”
Bowser: “And we’re moving. Come on, Blitz. We got C.O.P.S. to save.”
Blitz: *racing up to join Bowser* “Arf Arf!”
In a flash, the 2 C.O.P.S. bolted through the double doors.
Barricade quickly takes his MULE device and Mace’s “Teddy” and runs through the doors to catch up with his fellow C.O.P.S.
Barricade: “Hey wait up, you two!”
Hardtop: “Racin’ right behind you, pal.”
Bulletproof: *feeling antsy as he looks at the clock* “Come on, come on, come on. Get here, get here.”
Mainframe: *putting her hand on Bulletproof’s shoulder* “Patience, BP. We only got about an half and hour to go. So hang in there and wait just 30 minutes more, okay?”


Sherry Konkus

Sherry Konkus lives in Owosso, MI. She is the proud owner of the Camac Athena EX Concert Grand Harp named "Grover" and Camac Mademoiselle named "Ernie." She's also the proud author of The Punisher Harp Zone. Sherry is the one who came up with the idea of portraying The Punisher from Marvel Comics as the punishing harpist who plays the harp in memory of his family who was killed by the mob years ago.